you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
