would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
