I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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