Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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