My friends, they love my intelligence
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
as a side note pls kill me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
