Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
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a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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