Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I intend to get homeless drunk
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize