I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
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When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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