mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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