why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
