I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
