The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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