RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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