I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Drake has all the answers
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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