If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
a search helicopter?!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
