my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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