Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I think I just sharted jello shots
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
