Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
