My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
