Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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