I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
