I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
