I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
