based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
