I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
