So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
