I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
