so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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