Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
