he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Someone shit on the floor
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
