She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
