Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
