your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
