I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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