After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
