I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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