onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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