You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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