Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
