youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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