Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
