talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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