walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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