Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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