dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
