the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
