Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I came so hard my ears popped.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
