You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
