When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
