Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
