I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
