Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
