Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
