my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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