Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
