I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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