apparently the secret to your success is patron
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
