Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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