So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
