I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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